Video Nasties (part 5)

Deep River Savages

Notoriety Deep River Savages was the first movie in the outrageous Italian cannibal genre, which may deserve a couple of points, but it has always been much easier to ignore than to find. 3/10

DVD Edition The only uncut edition is from US company Shriek Show. Surprisingly, the film looks as good as most mainstream movies of the era. Minimal extras, though, notable only for director Umberto Lenzi’s tale of finding a prostitute. 3/5

Film Deep River Savages establishes the all the trappings of cannibal movies – jungle locations, dumb natives, graphic gut munching, killing animals, nudity and unusual sex as well as traffic queue pacing, laughable dialogue and gratuitous aeroplane footage. In a plot is culled from A Man Called Horse (1970) Western hardish man (Ivan Rassimov, dubbed to sound like Richard Harris) ventures into the jungle and is captured by a savage tribe, and after much posturing and ritual earns their respect and joins them;

“You man of tribe!”

The other main influence are the 1960s shockumentary or “mondo” films of Paolo Cavara and Gualtiero Jacopetti, which involved a camera crew going around the world filming various “sick and depraved” lifestyles, especially those of unwestenised tribes, then marketing the resulting footage as drive-in shock fests. Fictionalise, add a dodgy narrative and voila! 3/10

Director Umberto Lenzi recruited this actress in a brothel

Shock and gore The OK-ish make up FX are sparse, with only one scene of limb chomping cannibalism, which may have been shocking in the early ‘70’s, but is lame compared with most of the other films here. The brief gang rape and ritual sex scenes are very much of the “actors with no clothes wriggling” type. Incomparably more troubling, are the numerous scenes of actual violence against animals, for food and otherwise. Possibly hardest to watch is a mongoose pitted against a cobra in what is presented as a local blood sport. The camera looks impassively as the poor snake’s head is repeatedly bitten into a bloody mess, intercut with a separate scene of Rassimov’s ridiculous soul searching. A true laugh or cry moment. 4/10

Soundtrack Competently made but minimal (as in not much of it) the score traverses the moods of “foreign trip” to “look at this -  shocking, isn’t it?” along with the occasional “wow – mysterious” and “CHASE!” 2/5

Prisoner of the Cannibal God

Notoriety Seeing off some stiff competion to become possibly the poorest of the cannibal films, Prisoner of the Cannibal God attempts to draw attention to itself by having original Bond girl Ursula Andress get her kit off, but even that couldn’t save it from obscurity. 2/10

DVD Edition The Blue Underground label always impresses for bringing us apparently commercially unviable DVD releases. Here we have a good looking transfer of the film complete with extra scenes “from the private collection of director Sergio Martino.” These include inexplicit footage of what appears to be a native attempting sexual intercourse with a huge pig. During an interview, Martino is contradicted for his untruths concerning the animal cruelty in the film, as well as for his claims that the Malaysian locals were unjustified in protesting against the film’s content, which was against their Muslim religion. It is against my religion, too – and I’m an Atheist. 3/5

Prelude to one of the worst 98 minutes in cinema history

Film After just a few minutes, an overlong freeze frame established my film-long habit of glancing at the DVD timer. The tedium never lets up as the cannibal-ridden mountain of Ra Ra Mi is ascended by a talentless and greedy band of idiots in their lifelong search for an ever-present pile of shit. 1/10

The Pooka tribe...perhaps Pooka is Malaysian for papier mache?

Shock and gore Some brisk editing attempts to disguise the poor makeup, and with the exception of one castration scene there is no satisfaction for gorehounds here. The animal footage is the most repugnant of any of these films. In an attempt to take no responsibility for their actions, the film makers either tie animals causing them to attack one another, or goad animals into unnatural fights and predations and film the results. Combined with the boredom of the rest of the film, the result is not at all shocking, but genuinely depressing. 2/10

Soundtrack The odd Jaws-alike opening music gives way to a plodding hippie colony of a main theme, featuring a poorly tuned brass section which sets the scene in an aptly shambolic fashion. Elsewhere, there are a couple of nicely discordant set pieces amongst the clichéd bongos and hollers. 2/5

Cannibal Holocaust

The original VHS packaging, as inspired by Robertson's jam jars

Notoriety One of the few films where the UK ban is incidental to the film’s global infamy. Director Ruggero Deodato spent a few nights in prison, wrongly suspected of actually killing actors on camera, and a received a suspended sentence for obscenity under Italian law for the animal deaths. Intriguing tales of Columbian death threats also seem to have some foundation. Subsequent to its release, Deodato and many of the actors claim to have had trouble finding work, such is the universal loathing of Cannibal Holocaust. Around the time of the ban schoolyards were alight with tales of “they kill them for real,” which may have been false, but unlike most video nasties the actual film lives up to the lurid promise. Everyone I know who has seen the film remembers it well, and is normally regarded with much reverence along with any combination of love, fear or loathing. Always mentioned during any serious film censorship debate, Cannibal Holocaust almost earns it’s tagline of The Most Controversial Movie Ever Made. 10/10

DVD Edition Grindhouse Releasing’s double disc collector’s edition reaps the rewards of a painstaking restoration process, and is unsurpassed in the superb quality of picture and sound. The astonishing collection of extras will provide upwards of ten hours of top viewing for fans, who will consider themselves thoroughly infotained as many of the filmmakers are gathered to offer their opinions on the tirelessly interesting subject matter. 10/10

Cleverly, a make-up girl sat atop a bicycle seat for the iconic impalement scene

Film Cannibal Holocaust tends to be dismissed as exploitive trash or hailed as a work of genius, and there is some justification for both viewpoints. The story of an arrogant and destructive team of documentary film makers, loosely based on Cavara and Jacopetti, is told in grainy 16mm “found footage” as they reek havoc in the Amazonian rain forest, abusing the natives for shocking footage. Back in the beautifully shot “real world”, anthropologist Professor Munro (Robert Kerman) follows their doomed trail, and the twin time lines and cinematic styles are deftly handled and mutually flattering. A third thread set in New York is less successful, as is the inserted wildlife footage and overacting from extras native to both continents. Deodato shows a genuine interest in the subject matter, and the elaborate tribal rituals seem to have some authenticity, or at least are believable enough to generate a compelling atmosphere. Unusually, the high nudity quotient adds a primal quality. With a bang on 93 minute running time, Cannibal Holocaust survives repeated viewings and is always glinting from the DVD shelf of anyone wishing to have their senses assaulted. 8/10

Films are more violent nowadays, except this one.

Shock and gore The ingenious FX never overreach themselves, and what is shown  is generally very realistic. A DVD extra showing a recent screening of Cannibal Holocaust portrays typical shocked reactions from those expecting 70s kitsch. The truly brutal sexual assaults are much more likely to have one cringing in disgust instead of the sniggering that might punctuate a viewing of The Man from Deep River, or Deodato’s own Last Cannibal World (1976). Few films of any era are as persistent and enthusiastic in their bloodletting, and the grand set pieces of torture porn mainstreamers Saw (2004) and Hostel (2005) cannot compete. Only The Passion of the Christ (2004) shows a comparably sadistic nature. Indefencibly, archive footage of actual executions is shown, although presented as faked in the narrative. Animal deaths are rife, including a notorious 3 minute sequence in which a turtle is decapitated. Some of the main actors are involved in the butchering of the squirming body, and Francesca Ciardi is seen to vomit in disgust. Some may mistake the headless viscera to still be alive, however death is swift and Cannibal Holocaust’s animal cast are killed humanely, considering the time and place.  However, much thought and talent was employed to make all sequences as vile as possible, and the various components conspire to disorientate, giving the viewer a uniquely disturbing experience. 10/10

Soundtrack Once again the dual nature of Cannibal Holocaust reveals a sickly main theme from slush-meister Riz Ortolani before turning out musical genius in the piece known as “Adulteress’ Punishment” which contains a beautiful and sorrowful merging of strong early synth bass with mournful strings that are worthy of Samuel Barber. I’ve played the soundtrack CD so often that, corrupted by the experience, I even like the main theme now. Spot the mistake in the film where the projectionist showing the found footage claims to have “layed in some stock music to juice things up a little,” but the soundtrack is as the main film. 5/5

Cannibal Ferox

Notoriety Cannibal Ferox will always be Cannibal Holocaust’s poorer brother, and it tends to be brought up when viewers haven’t seen the latter, or have exhausted conversation about it. However, while it may not be “banned in 31 countries” it has seen its share of bans, cuts and outrage. 7/10

DVD Edition All DVD prints of the film have a washed out look suggesting the film stock is in need of restoration, or wasn’t great in the first place. The letterboxed Grindhouse edition distinguishes itself with a commentary, where director Umberto Lenzi and star Giovanni Lombardo Radice supposedly argue out the merits or otherwise of killing animals in the jungle, however their vocal tracks were recorded separately. The Sazuma release has a better picture frame, but no commentary. 2/5

Lorraine de Selle and an opposum. One of these cuties will be hung from a jeep and fed to a snake...

Film

“Just stay put, shitface!”

A risible NYC drug plot kicks off Cannibal Ferox, and is revisited throughout the film as a few disembodied Cannibal Holocaust refugees act abominably. More hilarity ensues in the main jungle plot as an over-overacting Radice and his dubbing accomplice get the cream of the diabolical lines, adding an extra layer of mania to the wacky plot, and the film rock n’ rolls apace, despite a lack of violence in the first half. The cannibals themselves are worth a mention for their ever present  bewilderment and disinterest. Cannibal Ferox is consistently “so bad its good,” a rare trick that is impossible to pull off intentionally. It quickly becomes clear that Lenzi is not into humour when corkers like;

“The mythical lie of cannibal ferox was only an alibi to justify the greed and cruelty of the conquistadors!”

pass without a hint of a smirk. 6/10

“Hot pussied little whore” Zora Kerova in her infamous death scene that defies the laws of both physics and biology

Shock and gore

“Do you get off on ecology, eh, twat?”

Funny it may be but Cannibal Ferox proves itself to be something of a wife beating clown when it comes to the numerous acts of violence against animals. With the vegetarian natives employed as amateur slaughtermen, a poorly shot turtle scene attempting to emulate that of Cannibal Holocaust is not such a horrific spectacle, but is pointlessly cruel as the wretched beast’s flipper is dismembered prior to decapitation. The animal scenes also tend to have poorly conceived links to the plot, which would be funny, were not the punchline a needless and painful death. Back in the comforting world of actors and red paint, there are numerous nicely bloody set pieces, well done for the low budget but not in the same league as the arresting standards set by Cannibal Holocaust, with the old “long arm with no hand” trick used for one of Radices’ several amputations. 7/10

Cannibals, zombies and synthesisers...can't go wrong

Soundtrack The toe tapping hummable funk of the main theme complements the naive bleeps and synthetic grinds that accompany the gore scenes in a score that is the essence of video nasties. It is so enjoyable that one worries that the fun police might turn it off. Highly recommended is Blackest Heart Media’s CD, which contains the restored Cannibal Ferox score, as well as that of Zombi 2 (1979) and some humorous cover versions by the CD’s producers, interspersed with some choice dialogue from the film. One particullar favourite;

“There’s something I can’t figure out.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t know!”

5/5

What a bunch of reprobates we’ve had this round, with Cannibal Holocaust being an easy winner, a true classic of confrontational cinema that munches up the embryonic, the inept and the copycat joker to become Battle of the Nasties highest scorer ever. A cannibal viewing session is watching a little window of history, as the format would be unfilmable nowadays. The portayal of natives as dumb savages would be seen a racist untruth, as opposed to naive folly, although it is worth noting that the Westerners are generally shown as hostile invaders, at a time when such forward thinking was often the preserve of the bearded and beaded. Thankfully, the animal violence would also not be tolerated – although it is somewhat ironic considering society permits industrial scale cruelty of modern intensive farming, as well as the televisation of such entertainments as the Grand National. There is talk of Deodato making a new cannibal film, but it will certainly be a different experience as these jungle jollies are safely buried away in the archives.

Ten Hour Track

Download exclusive new track Ti Head here

Two Hour Track

Whilst I was very ill the only way for me to program music was to do very little each day, which has led me to have many unfinished tracks on my hard drive and has got me into bad habits of leaving bits and going back to them much later, having forgotten what the original idea was or simply getting bored with it. Yuck! That way of working can also lead to over-polishing – adding too many effects and diluting the original idea and sounds.

No more fucking around

In trying to break the habit I’ve decided to write a series of tracks in a strict two hour time limit. Whilst my best works have taken much, much longer than that, most of the tracks from the Shocker album were written very fast, with the emphasis on excitement and attitude and less attention to audio fidelity.

Download the MP3, bender

I’ve put the first one up here. It’s called Bender as the pitch is bent on all the synth tracks. The title may have unfortunate relations with Futurama and homophobia, but neither are bothersome enough to change it. I think it turned out quite well for a first effort, but it’d need a couple of hours more to be more focussed and live out the potential of the ideas. I could do that, cannibalise it for sounds on other tracks or just leave it and move on…I’m undecided. See what you think…

Video Nasties (part 4)

Earlier this week those zany funsters at the British Board of Film Classification refused an 18 certificate to Japanese shocker Grotesque (2009), effectively banning its distribution in the UK.  Quaint, as upon searching for an import DVD copy, curious gorehounds of all ages will be faced with numerous offers to download the film for free…not exactly the oppressive world of 1984 is it? 25 years ago, trying to obtain banned horror films could be a months long, seedy ordeal, often the only prize a VHS video cassette featuring a compilation of snowstorms. But are those old films, viewed on DVD today, likely to deal viewer emotional damage, or induce a torture-porn-yawn? Find out as two do battle in…

Notoriety

The worldwide controversy of Cannibal Holocaust (1980) assured anything its director, Ruggero Deodato, put his name to would be associated with unpalatable scenes of brutality. Three of his works made it to the banned list, including House on the Edge of the Park (1980) which was refused a (then correctly named) British Board of Film Censorship X certificate for cinematic viewing in 1981, on the grounds of the prolonged scenes of sexual violence that dominate viewing  Even so, the video was largely ignored by the tabloids and wasn’t popular. However, its UK DVD re-release in 2002 has given it the longest period of BBFC cuts ever metered out, standing at an incredible 11 minutes and 43 seconds! Impressive… 5/10

Far from a racist role model, Jesse Lee Kane is seen drunk, his trousers secured by rope

The banning of Fight For Your Life is more baffling. Containing little graphic violence, this appears to be the only film ever banned in the UK for the use of racist dialogue. Whilst the language is jarring, at least to begin with, it is unclear why this was singled out for particular attention. The only character to use racist insults (which ascend the scale right up to “coon”) is an escaped convict, rapist and murderer clearly shown in a negative light, and is seen to be punished at the films’ conclusion. Possibly, the DPP were concerned that children may use the movie might be used by some as an A-Z of racial abuse. There are also inter-racial sex scenes which may have caused offence to the undoubtedly white censors. The film has not been resubmitted for classification so remains effectively banned, although it would surely be passed without a problem now. 3/10

DVD editions

Video Nasty icon David Hess

Media Blaster’s R1 House on the Edge of the Park has an excellent transfer of the film along with extensive interviews with the truly strange trio of star David Hess, Italian speaking director Deodato and bereaved actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice. Hess rules the day – always top value, he discusses his difficult childhood, alcoholism, rugby prowess, real on-screen sex with co-star Annie Bell and his wife’s brief  role in the film as “rape victim 1,” although the latter makes him a little edgy. Deodato has previously accused Hess of on-set blackmail concerning his fee, but they seem friendly enough now. 4/5

The only version of Fight For Your Life is on the Blue Underground label, whose dedication to bringing truly obscure films to DVD is clear from the commentary track, where the label’s Bill Lustick reveals the weeks spent tracking down original negative. Entertaining stories of low budget film making ensue from writer Straw Weisman and director of photography Lloyd Freidus . 4/5

The Films

Worldwide marketing for House on the Edge of the Park focused on sexual images

Last House on the Left (1972) has inspired many a dodgy horror title to describe the location of an abode. House on the Edge of the Park rips one more off by employing David Hess to essentially reprise his role as king sociopath Krug. Although the park of the title is New York’s Central Park, the film was shot in Italy in Deodato’s usual documentary style – disinterested until something vile happens, when everything livens up somewhat. Having ramped the blood and guts up to the max in Cannibal Holocaust, Deodato turns to sexual violence for the thrills on offer here. House on the Edge of the Park really does push the boundaries with multiple prolonged rape scenes shot in a style not dissimilar to Emmanuelle (1974) and other soft porn of the era, with beautiful Italian actresses decked out in designer lingerie waiting to be torn off. In one particularly crass and confusing sequence, a female character seduces her would-be rapist whilst edits are made to the second attacker lovingly stroking his victim’s nipples with a straight razor. Although I believe the film has no message and exists only to make money, it could easily be interpreted that the filmmaker’s view is that rape is an erotic and enjoyable experience for both perpetrator and victim. A select few films from the 1970s adopt a similar attitude, for example in Clint Eastwood’s High Plains Drifter (1973) a rape is portrayed as mutually enjoyable, and the slapping of women by strong male leads was commonplace, famously in the much earlier Gone with the Wind (1939). Pretty young women with money were at particular peril. A cultural shift making abuse against women always taboo makes these sorts of scenes look ridiculous today, but House on the Edge of the Park is not laughably inept in the same way as Gestapo’s Last Orgy (1977) or the more well intentioned I Spit on Your Grave (1978). Those who enjoy having their moral senses attacked will find much outrageous pleasure here, and in its more vibrant moments House on the Edge of the Park delivers some killer blows. But the bulk of the film is a lifeless affair As the slow story meanders towards an incredible “twist”, the dubbed actors awkwardly tiptoe around the screen, perhaps genuinely intimidated by David Hess’s commanding psychopath persona. 5/10

The fight is over for one home invader

The concept behind the Fight for Your Life was to make a standard single-location exploitation movie, but to feature excessive racist language to inflame mixed-race audiences, and give the film a punch above its weight at the box office. The film flopped though, with many theatre owners put off showing the film, fearful of fuss and hassle. More depressing than the verbal gymnastics is the usual Hollywood depiction of black characters not in this case as criminals, but as possessing personalities based upon Martin Luther King’s public image. In this case they are the impossibly “dignified”, as the script often reminds us, with Robert Judd as a steroidal Mandela-lite. The criminals are led by Jesse Lee Kane, played by William Sanderson who would go on to many big roles, including as JF Sebastian in Blade Runner (1981) and more recently in Deadwood on telly. His performance here is entertaining, but the simple script does not allow anything more than pantomime villanary. His henchmen are Asian and Latino, but once again there is no significance, as their nationalities are only vehicles used to court controversy. Fans of retro exploitation sleaze such as Death Wish (1974) will be happy as the film leers and horses around for 86 minutes. But with much repetitive dialogue and no involving characters – just one offensive one – it is an unrewarding experience. 5/10

Gore

Lacerations by razor aside, there is little gore in House on the Edge of the Park, instead the film visuals rely ondisplays of female pubic hair and a powerfully manic David Hess for shocks and scares. 3/10

A non-existant FX budget mean the bludgeoning of a child and an impalement on glass in Fight for Your Life just look silly and the only terror is verbal. 2/10

Soundtracks

Deodato regular Riz Ortolani uses a sickeningly sweet acoustic guitar melodies and a Martini ad of an orchestra to give a lullaby flavour to House on the Edge of the Park. The effect, in particular during the afore-mentioned rape scene, is bizarre and apparently completely unsuitable for the subject matter. Perhaps Deodato, understandably, disliked the music and so used it as a weapon to make the viewer nauseous. Or possibly the intended effect is to copy fellow Italian Dario Argento, who used Goblin’s child-like arrangements to eerie effect on productions such as Profondo Rosso (1975). Still, as the main attraction of the film is disbelief at what your eyes are seeing, it’s nice that your ears can enjoy the same sensation. 2/5

Fight for Your Life’s theme song may be a fun Shaft-alike, but the rest of Jeff Slevin’s score is the type of generic soundtrack that could easily be mistaken for the incidental music from 80’s kids adventure show, The A-Team. 2/5

Result

Fight for Your Life might spout forth from the racist dictionary, but as it does so House on the Edge of the Park ties it to the loser’s chair, taunting and torturing in a contest fought by two productions with little to offer but cheap shock tactics. However, the latter’s truly offensive nature that wins the day, its low score belying a partially successful attempt to be one of the nastiest of nasties.

Psyclepaths

Click on image to enlarge. All stunts performed by trained professionals. Always wear a helmet!

Battery Powered Ice Cream

I didn’t consider a love of ice cream and animals to be mutually exclusive until I bought an ice cream maker last summer, and upon reading a few recipes I realises that most ice cream contains eggs.  I try to avoid buying products made from cruelly treated animals, however a majority of commercial ice cream producers use eggs from intesively farmed hens.

Caged heat

Without going into the horrendous details (there are plenty of sites for that) hens bred in indoor cages (or “batteries”) spend their lives in extemely cramped conditions with a few fellow unfortunates. If they survive for around 12-18 months they are killed. Fortunately the practice is now so widely regarded as cruel it is to be banned in the European Union in 2012.

Bred with two faces

A good excuse never to help anyone or anything ever is that it might be hypocritical to do so. I would argue that to do a little for any just cause is much better than to do nothing. And even if we choose to do nothing but talking about it raises awareness and certainly does no harm. So, if one were to refuse to eat meat but wear leather shoes it would simply mean that a few less animals would die in the meat industry and those in the skin trade would be unaffected. Or if you were to cease to buy products containing eggs from caged birds for a month and write a letter to an ice cream company or supermarket voicing your concerns the world would be a tiny bit better than if you hadn’t.

Nice as ice

My favourite ice cream is the delicious Greens and Black’s organic, available in a sumptuous range of flavours at around £4 for 500ml – like all organic products it legally must be produced with a high standard of animal welfare, and the hens have significantly more space than those bred for the use of products simply labelled “free range.” A little cheaper is Mackie’s organic dairy ice cream – a serious yum-yum at £3 a litre. Swedish Glace is nice enough, contains no animal products at all and retails for a bargain £2 per 750ml.

Avoidance

I sent emails to a number of companies voicing my concerns about the use of caged birds in ice cream. From the replies it is clear that unless products are labelled as organic, or there is some sort of animal welfare marketing campaign, cruel farming methods are employed. I would single out Walls as sending me a particularly smug and self-congratulatory response to my first email before admitting when I pressed further that caged birds are used in their ice cream production. Haagen Dazs also use eggs from “indoor farmed hens”, which is shameful at their premium price point. But according to them the “fresh yolk…acts as a natural emulsifier, helping the texture and body of the ice cream and also providing the delicate flavour to our ice cream products.”

Show some compassion

The process of being in contact with these companies really put me off any sort of food, however the excellent organisation Compassion in World Farming deal with these types of people constantly, having discovered that the tactic of persuasion and co-operation helps animals more than the old fashioned shock tactics and shouting. There employees must have extraordinary levels of self control. If you’d like any more to help animals I suggest you head over to their website and follow there very sensible and measured advice on purchasing and campaigning.

Vision

This was to be an article about how pleased I was with my improving health, however my eye reached new levels of agony ten days ago with agonising abrasions to my cornea hitting double figures in one night.

I, Casualty 

When I eventually got to Norwich and Norfolk University Hospital Emergency Eye Clinic, the impressively skilled and efficient doctor said my cornea was like “patchwork”, and after applying anaesthetic, scraped the whole top layer clean off! This left me in a fucking world of pain and effectively unsighted for a couple of days while it grew back again, and only today am I able to use a computer long enough to do anything other than waste five minutes looking at bicycle components and blog stats. In fact, there has been very little to do at all. Unable to face sunlight or TV for a week, I just had radio and CDs for company in the daytime.

The Blind Leading the Partially Sighted

The radio populated my mind with bilge by likes of Gordon Brown, Michael Martin and hysterical commentators, their faux assertive voices feigning outrage at Daily Telegraph revelations concerning expenses claimed by Members of Parliament. My understanding of the situation was that MPs were underpaid (many times lower than their potential value in the private sector) and by way of recompense received very comfortable living expenses. Which seems fairs enough for working 16 hours a day job from which you might well get ceremoniously sacked from every 4-5 years. MPs were also clearly happy about the situation as they voted to keep it that way ten months ago. Disclosure is the only recent change. All the current mock-apologising and rehearsed grovelling is exactly what I dislike about politicians. The sums of money concerned are miniscule on a national scale – I care not if I inadvertently spend an incalculably small amount of tax on a “flat screen TV” (what other sort can you buy?) – I just dislike lies and opportunism. David Cameron is surely the worst case. As in the tragedy of Baby P, or any other real or imagined crisis, he jumps into every media op yelping “change…change…change”, morally posturing in an attempt to adopt a leaders’ role with “strong” words, but only caustic self-interest at heart. Perhaps he would like it if MPs returned to being unpaid, so, like in the good old days, only rich Conservatives could afford to take on the job? Or perhaps he believes that highly paid and morally dubious consultancies should be undertaken, as is already the case with many of the shadow cabinet. The present Government may be rightly unpopular, but Cameron led Government would be ruinous. Meanwhile, I wish an end to the fuss.

Noise is Off

With most music radio (with the exception of the excellent D&B shows on 1Xtra) living in retro-pop tedium, and the computer off-limits, I turned to CDs. Listening to music eyes shut and in pain is pretty intense and not altogether enjoyable. I got extremely pissed off listening to hardcore CDs – apart from the odd decent track the lazy programming seemingly abandons the listener while noisy-yet-dull sequences repeat. Classical music is more interesting, picking apart the various textures and guessing the intent of the composer, but any visualising made me move my eyes (ouch!) and any searing climaxes and overtly high pitched violins just made me think of my eyelids growing teeth and ripping ripping ripping!!! THE RIPPING…

Total Downer

After a week I had signs that could easily be mistaken for serious clinical depression. The constant pain had made me irritable and preoccupied, my inability to do anything useful lowered my self-opinion and physically I was weak due to zero exercise. All those symptoms left with the worst of the pain, but it is easy to see how lazy GPs mistake the symptoms of physical distress for mental illness and dish out the anti-depressants. This short experience has underlined the opinions I outlined in my earlier Prozacrap post.

Fit as a Frequency Modulator

It is a shame about my eye, as otherwise I’ve been really getting back to full fitness. I will write a full explanation of my chest illness on the main site when I’m sure it’s gone, but it would seen that I had a long-term muscular problem which was confused with the symptoms of oesophagitis, which I also had and ran concurrently for around a year. As a result, the muscular illness went untreated while the oesophagitis was believed to continue after it was cured. Now I’m normally pain-free except for if I bash my chest hard, lift very heavy objects or eat too much. As cycling generally doesn’t involve any of the above and as such I’ve managed regular rides, including a couple of 60 milers, which I’m very pleased with as six months ago I could barely wheel the bike from the garage without discomfort. I’ve also lost quite a few of the 104kg I was hulking last year. As my body gets more agile, as does my mind and I’m now pretty well zipping round music software program Cubase 5. I’m doing a couple more remixes and cover versions and I hope to be technically competent enough to concentrate on content and make some works of note by the year’s end. Meantime, here a couple of visual treats I was enjoying before the ripping…

Recommended

Shamefully, my knowledge of French horror starts and stops with Switchblade Romance, but I’ll certainly be checking out more after watching Martyrs, out on DVD on Monday following a limited UK cinematic release. Forcing mainstream film media into namechecking Ichi the Killer and Italian gobble ‘em up Cannibal Holocaust, due to the extreme violence, it is unfortunate that a film such as Martyrs – made to communicate and understand pain – should get confused with those that glower over it. This is an unexpectedly emotional study of long term physical and mental sufferance, and memories the film comforted me after my latest eye injury. Best viewed knowing little about it, this is one of my favourite films of all time in any genre.

Xbox 360 owner burrowing into community game downloads may discover gem Miner Dig Deep, a superbly addictive mine building collect ‘em up featuring a shopful of earth moving powertools. Fans of Toolbox Murders will be disappointed by the lack of underwritten female characters to use them on, though. Around four hours top entertainment for less than £2, this is one internet purchase that really will make you gasp as your shaft grows huge!

 

Redux: I, Destructor

Film remakes often aren’t as bad as you’d think, for every crappy Wicker Man there’s often the irreverent fun of Dawn of the Dead. I preferred Werner Herzog’s Nosferatu to the original, as well as Rob Zombie’s Halloween - apart from the musical score. Even away from films, music almost invariably fares badly at remakes, and I can’t think of a single instance when an artist or band has re-recorded a track over a decade later for it to be superior to the original – it’s a stupid idea.

A bit thick…

So, while I’m learning the new equipment in my studio I’ve decided to rework some old tunes. First up is I, Destructor which was my first single for Earache Records in 1993. It subsequently remixed and retitled I am Destructor for the album Life of Destructor, upon which this version is based. I haven’t fucked with the arrangement much, but I made mostly new sounds and used all new toys for the mix. Was it really a stupid idea, or is the only thick in the kick? Click below to find out…

Ultraviolence – I, Destructor Redux

Update

I’ve been back to it a month later and made some improvements, resulting in a clearer and louder mix, especially the percussion which was a little floaty in the first version. I used Twisted Lemon’s fantastic Sidekick plug to tighten it up a bit – this really is a super-bargain plug at a tenner, and far better than the bundled Cubase sidechainer.  See how the bass kicks now…

Ultraviolence – I, Destructor Redux v1.1

Video Nasties (part 3)

Whilst some may scoff at the idea that a society can be improved by banning horror films, the British Department of Public Prosecutions saw things differently, and in 1984 outlawed the ditribution of 39 films. Now they are readily available on DVD and violent crime is perceived to be spiralling out of control. Coincidence? So today, how many of the 39 are truly likely to deprave and corrupt? Find out in…

Notoriety

The Driller Killer (1979) is widely revered as video nasty royalty, possibly the best known of the 39, with the bloodied bearded face of the iconic VHS sleeve enticing a generation to stare longingly into video store frontage. Vilified by the media, the film became tabloid legend and in 1990 it’d be scoring a perfect 10. However, the film was to become a victim of its own infamy, as casual viewers watched the video re-release and TV showings through the 90s. They would soon wander what the fuss was about, and why such a film should be banned. Hoping for 90 minutes of gory cheap thrills, and getting something more akin to Scorsese-lite, the curious left disappointed. The truth was out. 8/10 

The Toolbox Murders (1977) saw little outrage here, although the UK DVD release quietly lacks the 1m46s cut from it’s 2000 BBFC submission. Much more publicity was had in the US, though, for its apparently misogynistic violence. Covered on mainstream TV shows such as 60 Minutes and Donahue, the marketing was spot on. The cash-in chain was completed by a remake in 2004. 5/10

DVD editions

2008’s uncut UK edition of The Driller Killer features an alright transfer of the film, along with a commentary by, and shoddy filmography of, director Abel Ferrara. A cheap package, the sleeve looks like it was knocked up in Photoshop in somebody’s lunch break. Ferrara fans will prefer the double US DVD featuring his early short films, but it is a relatively expensive collector’s item. 2/5

Blue Underground have lovingly restored The Toolbox Murders, and reunited various members of cast and crew for decent extras. Forget the truncated UK Vipco release. 4/5

The Films

The Driller Killer is more interesting than your average slasher, featuring a charismatic lead played by a young Ferrara, who would go on to make such films as The King of New York (1990), Dangerous Game (1993) amongst many others, even directing a couple of episodes of Miami Vice. Temperamental artist Reno, driven insane by lack of money and a rock band moving in upstairs, buys a Porto-Pak (an amusingly TV advertised battery back-pack) for his electric drill and goes on a rampage against New York’s homeless population. In a change from most films featuring oil paintings, Reno’s look to be genuinely brilliant, leaving one not quite sure whether he’s your usual loser artist, as the script would suggest, or some kind of visionary. In one particularly manic episode Reno addresses his girlfriend (who criticises the time he is taking over a haunting bison study) thus;

“Since when did you become such an expert on painting? What do you know about painting anyway? I’ll tell you what you know about painting, man. You don’t know nothin’ about painting, man. You know what you know about? You know how to bitch, and how to eat, and how to bitch and how to shit. But you don’t know nothin’ about painting!”

Lots of fun, this type of dialogue is not standard video nasty fare, and indicative of Ferrara’s work to come in the brilliant Bad Lieutenant (1992). He clearly had much more interest in the likes of  Taxi Driver (1976) and Mean Streets (1973) than anything from the horror genre. Despite such flourishes, though, The Driller Killer remains a fundamentally slow experience due to long periods with little action and sloppy editing. Had it played as a 45-60 minute short it would’ve been great, but then perhaps Ferrara would’ve been denied his break, and the world his subsequent work. 5/10

The Toolbox Murders is undiluted exploitation trash, made to cash-in on the success of the vastly superior (and not banned) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), which producer Tony DiDio claims he would not watch unless he was “being paid.” A red and white-striped balaclava wearing Cameron Mitchell (a Hollywood star before turning to low budget films and alcohol) kills women for the first half hour, before the film mutates into a god-awful teen detective drama, with script and plotting reminiscent of a poor episode of Quincy. The makers evidently remain cynical as ever; on the commentary star Pamelyn Ferdin gushes over Mitchell’s performance, despite earlier admitting to never having watched the completed film. 3/10

Gore

Porto-Pak at the ready, the lovable Reno drills out a handful of hobos, with a few visible holes and bright blood splatters. 4/10 

Murders from the toolbox: Battery powered electric drill (Porto-less, with a flexible bit) 5/10. Claw hammer 4/10. Philip’s headed screwdriver 3/10. Nail gun (administered to woman masturbating in bath) 6/10. Glove (suffocation) 1/10. Mark deducted for nothing happening for 45 minutes and re-added for the ending gives us an average of 4/10.

Soundtracks

“THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD” heralds a static screen at the start of The Driller Killer. Doing so reveals a lot of background hiss. Some nice antique synths score the killings, and there is extensive footage of punk band The Roosters, who play the kind of bad-Blondie much loved by NYC locals. One of the songs is very reminiscent of the B52’s Planet Claire(1979), which is also takes the bassline from Henry Mancini’s theme from Peter Gunn (1958). 3/5

No such interest for The Toolbox Murders – just mundane title music and minimal scoring. 1/5

Result

 

The Driller Killer may not live up to the controversy or bloody promise of the title, but it stands as an interesting early work of a great film maker-to-be. The Toolbox Murders was made purely for financial gain, and while the first half hour may bounce along merrilly baiting the censors, the cynicism of the film’s remainder still leaves one feeling short changed even 32 years after it was made.

 

 

 

The Small Horses of Norfolk

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click images to enlarge. Thanks to Calum and Mouse.